I know, I know. It’s been a while since I posted anything, and I’m sorry for that. It’s been a long, rough road lately; 2018 has not been kind to me.
In January, my father passed away unexpectedly, shaking me to my core. He was fine. He had attended my thank you party for Grim helpers just two days before he was rushed to the hospital. At that party, he was chatting everyone up, making people laugh, sipping beer and munching food. You can see him all the way to the right, in the back row, in the image at the top of this post.
He was as healthy as he could have been at his age with his medical ailments. He didn’t have any kind of terminal disease. In fact, all that he had wrong with him were issues in his joints and bones, nothing with organs or his mind or anything like that. Yet, he’s still gone, ripped from my life faster than I could blink. And during this time, I’ve been trying to sort out the emotions that have come with this great loss.
I know many people don’t think too much of therapy, but I found a grief counselor who is not only fantastic, but one who is able to gently reach inside of the walls I’ve built around myself and help me not break them down per se, but understand them. Understand why they’re there. And slowly, slowly, she is going to help me break free from the depression and sorrow I’ve been feeling. Not by pushing them away, though. No. That right there is not healthy. Instead, she’s bringing the feelings out, week by week, in a gradual cascade, and showing me that it’s all right.
It’s all right to feel what I’m feeling. The hurt. The confusion. The anger. It’s all right. If I get upset for no reason and go into a rage, it’s all right. If I start crying in the middle of a bookstore my dad and I frequented, it’s all right. If I can’t go to my parents’ house right now due to the overwhelming absence of my father, it’s all right.
If you’ve dealt with a loss in your life that’s weighing you down, one that you don’t know how to cope with, please know that what you’re feeling is all right. And that getting help going through it is crucial. If you don’t like a specific therapist, go to the next, and the next, until you find one that helps you in ways you haven’t been helped before. One who you’re comfortable crying in front of – because you’ll be doing a lot of that. And that’s all right. It’s a part of the healing process, and to bottle it up is unhealthy. Let it out. Feel it. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else or doing harm to yourself, it’s all right.
Thank you for sticking with me, everyone. My latest book is slowly coming to an end. The Souls of the Lash only needs a few more tweaks, and its ready for a proof copy and, after that, publication. My goal is to have it out for sale in April. But finding inspiration, finding the “zone” in which I need present in my mind to write, has rarely come forth since my father’s death, so I may miss that personal deadline.
But that’s all right, too.